It’s true.  I think I did.  I have had nothing remotely exciting in my life to blog about.  You want excitement in the life of that other girl that occupies space in my head read HERE.  Otherwise Elle is pretty boring.  So I will give you some Elle observations.

I am married to a card carrying anthropologist.  It’s true.  There is even a certificate on his office wall stating so.  Lucky for us he works in the insurance industry so I can have my cushy church job and still eat.  Needless to say, living with an anthropologist makes you look at the world a little differently.  One of my favorite pastimes is observing people at the grocery store.  Better yet, those in the check out line.  Have you ever paid attention to what people buy?  My favorite 2 are the extremely overweight couple at The Mega Industrial Sized Food Product Store purchasing a case of store brand diet shake and a 5 lb. bag of "Real Bacon Bits."  Hmmm.  Or the equally overweight lady at the supermarket with a conveyor belt full of Lean Cuisine (obviously on special) and an a chocolate cake.

I have the miracle diet for anyone who sits around on their fat asses and bitches about the fact that they can’t seem to lose the weight.  It is called "Get off your ass and take the fork out of your mouth."  Harsh?  Well… yes.  The only way that you lose weight is to eat less (or right) and move!  Walk, run, bike, swim or even a little extra effort while gardening.  It isn’t that hard people.

So that was more like a bitch and moan, but I had to get it off of my chest.  I promise I am going to do some looking for my funny bone.  If all else fails I could resort to telling you what Summer weather does to my hair.  It is equally as… not pretty…hmm… as the spring. 

I am a self proclaimed bad driver.  I admit that.  Upon the realization of how bad of a driver I really am I stopped performing miscellaneous tasks while driving.  Gone are the days of using driving time to catch up with my mom on the phone.  No make-up application during "commute" times for me.  And I am lucky enough to have a disc changer in my trunk thus avoiding the need to change cds while driving.  I will even go so far as to listen to the same cd over and over in D’s car to avoind having to change it while driving.  (I don’t listen to the radio, too many commercials and DJs are idiots)  That being said, despite the fact that I am a bad driver I am most certainly not a dumb driver.  I am intelligent enough to know the actual rules of the road. 

Dumb drivers are those with no concept of traffic laws.  So lets have a little review of traffic laws shall we?  (these are United States laws. I am fully aware the in other countries you may drive on the opposite side of the road or still in other countries your traffic laws are more like guidelines.)

1. The art of the 4-way stop:  When 2 highways, biways or plain old roads intersect and there is a stop sign at all 4 corners or a 4-way flashing RED light this is a 4-way stop.  When you approach the stopping point ensure your vehicle comes to a complete stop.  If you reach a 4-way stop at the same time as another driver the vehicle to the right is to proceed first.  In all other cases the vehicle that stops first is the first to proceed.  You do not need to wait for other vehicles to come to a complete stop prior to moving.  This rule also applies to 3-way intersections.

2. A free right:  a free right hand turn is allowed at a red light.  If on coming traffic is clear upon the road you are turning on to you do not need to wait for the light to turn green.  You are only sitting in the way of me making my God given right to make a free turn!!!

3. Suicide lanes:  This is also known as a turn lane.  This lane is often in the center of a 2 lane or 4 lane road.  The lane is put there for you to merge into to make a left hand turn.  This is not a lane of travel.  If you are in fact using this lane to turn, kindly merge completely into the suicide lane and get the heck out of my way.

4. The lines on the road:  They are there for a purpose, and color coded for a purpose.  The yellow line should always be on your left and the white line on your right.  Please try to navigate your vehicle within these designated lines.  You may pay taxes on the whole road, but so do I.  So stay in your lane.

5. Power outages and traffic laws:  at most major intersections there is an electronic device hanging from a wire housing a casing with 3-4 lights.  This mechanism directs traffic in the go/stop/ and warning you you need to stop fashion.  In the event of a power outage this electronic device will not work.  Therefore you must have some basic knowledge of traffic rules.  Please refer to rule #1.  When the light is out treat the intersection as a 4-way stop.

6. Depth perception:  Prior to operating a motor vehicle please be aware of your depth perception limitations.  If you cannot judge distances (especially at night) please refrain from driving.  As a general rule of thumb; if the oncoming car is a 1/2 mile away the chances are you have enough time to execute a left hand turn.  Grab em’ and go!!!

7. Simple motor vehicle operation:  Automobiles have 2 or 3 foot operated pedals.  The far right pedal is narrow and verticle.  This is the accelerator.  Do not be afraid to use it.  The left (or center) pedal is the brake.  Please do not be afraid to use this one if you are coming up behind me quickly.  The far left pedal (occasionally omitted in some vehicles) is the clutch.  If you do not understand the full function of the clutch pedal get your ass out of the car and find an automatic.

These traffic laws were designed to protect me, the bad driver, from you, the dumb driver.  If you cannot grasp the concept of these very basic rules I find it best that you stay off the road.  For my safety and yours.